From a Survivor’s Point of View
By sharing from the wisdom of experience, I can show you why there is nothing to be afraid of in what you are about to read.
Note: This article contains a discussion of suicide. Please be mindful should the topic be sensitive for you. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available for free at #988 with 24/7 support in the US. Do be assured, though, that you will gain valuable insight here, which can only be found from a survivor with objective experience.
There is no easier way to say it. Suicide changes lives. Whether you have lost someone you know or have been through it yourself, there are few experiences in life that can compare. In spite of the best efforts to improve awareness, suicide’s reputation for shame and fear continues to persist. I intend to change those impressions using a mindful approach. Welcome, and thank you for joining me.
At age 43, I have amassed a lifetime of knowledge. But only now do I know why my insight needs to be taken seriously. I am both a suicide loss and an attempt survivor. I have layperson prevention training, which I have used to save a former friend — overseas — not an easy task. I know that no amount of education equals knowing what survival is like. I also know that it takes a survivor’s compassion to prevent it from happening. Follow with me as I explore my lived experience. You will gain a healthy understanding of suicide that will dispel your fear.
The very mention of the word suicide can, in some cases, strike fear in the hearts of those who see or hear it. The word itself need not be fearful, nor should survivors. Suicide is defined as the actions that a person takes to end their life. Most people are rightfully intimidated by the prospect of death or harm. I am. The truth is that suicide has been historically documented as a solitary act. If context is added, such as with the term murder-suicide, the basic definition of it becomes distorted.
Allow me to demonstrate. In 1997, a former high school classmate of mine took his own life. They hurt no one in the process of inflicting harm upon themselves. They did not act recklessly to put anyone at risk. It was a solitary act. Therefore, I am a loss survivor. It is here, however, that the first raw emotions occur if a healthy person chooses death over life. I will guide you forward by putting myself in your shoes after losing someone I saw every day.
In our last class together, I sat just out of reach from my former classmate. As a result, I can still see the image of him in that antiquated desk near the door to the room. Trauma such as suicide or an unexpected loss triggers a rush of negative emotions that are natural to experience. Who could do such a thing? Why? I cannot believe they are gone. The natural instinct of life is survival. So, from a logical point of view, suicide does not make sense.
Therefore, on a basic level, you are absolutely correct to question why someone would want to risk death when they appear to be healthy. Although I later understood why my classmate took his life, I was still left with the absence of someone who I saw nearly every school day. In order to process it and move on, we need to cope with such a traumatic loss in our own minds first. Unfortunately, this can be difficult. Suicide is a unique experience that only those who have survived can truly understand.
Without understanding why my classmate took his life, just six years later, I found myself in the same situation. In 2003, at the age of 21, I attempted suicide as well. I have since gained an unwanted understanding of what suicide is like. An attempt is an act of self-inflicted harm in which we must wait, however long or short a time, before the outcome is known. In many cases, it takes time for potential injuries to run their course. Not every attempt is the same. Not every method is guaranteed to inflict serious harm. Mine was unplanned and caught me completely by surprise. I made the choice to attempt what could have been harmful.
Then, I endured a period of psychological trauma during which I had to wait to see what would happen. I too put no one in harm’s way. Therefore, I am an attempt survivor. Some lament having not seen the signs to help us. Unless you survive it, you will not know what they are or when to take them seriously.
Until I experienced it, I did not know. Not every attempt is pre-planned with intent or a note. Some are triggered in a matter of minutes or hours. Although I was surrounded by close friends the day it happened, I will never forget what led to that moment. The stinging rejection at a club happened only a couple of hours earlier. When I was sober and remembered what took place, my composure collapsed. All I wanted at that moment was for my sadness and suffering to end.
I now know what caused it to happen. I was autistic and not diagnosed. Being autistic and not knowing led to frequent miscommunications. Unless we know, we struggle to adapt. I was bullied a lot in school. I repeatedly failed at dating. I was unable to decide on a career path. It may shock you that autism neglect is still a serious problem today. Our suicide rates are high. I was surrounded by people who thought they knew me as a person. No one ever actually did.
On average, this is the extent of what the general public is aware of. There is more, yes, because a suicide attempt only lasts for minutes at a time. The experience I possess beyond this spans years of my life. It begins first with what are referred to as suicide ideations. But before I continue, it is important to note that, in some cases and by some professionals, the term suicidal ideations is used. I strongly oppose using suicidal because it incites people to fear that there is a risk of violence.
There is no risk because suicide is a solitary act. Ideations occur when a person thinks of ways that they could end their life. These can include such thoughts as what life would be like without them or that the world would be better off if they were no longer here. However, it is often overlooked that ideations are not voluntary. If your stress exceeds your ability to cope with it, or neglect occurs for too long when you need help, ideations will occur as a result of this.
For example, the last thought that I ever want to think of is if or when I will die. I want to live. This is why it is common for attempt survivors to express wanting life up to the moment before an attempt. Suicide is not a voluntary act. When we are subjected to stress that exceeds our tolerance, our mental health will eventually weaken. The stronger the stress is, the faster the decline.
Similarly, the younger you are, the higher the risk. Stress requires a capability to cope with it. Coping skills must first be learned. Ideations occur because you are unable to cope with too much stress. At first, all I could do was ignore mine. I had no choice. Suicide was shameful and not talked about. Being autistic was not taken seriously by anyone in my life. As an autistic teen, I was lucky to survive. As an autistic adult, I still struggle. Yes. As I am writing this, my social and economic integration needs are still neglected. I am 43. My stress is higher than ever.
When a person’s mental health is neglected for too long, what can happen next is referred to as an act of suicide furtherance. An act of furtherance is when an ideation progresses beyond a thought to an action. These further the risk to your health and well-being, but they stop before being active attempts. One of the most notorious examples is a suicide note. Writing one means your intent has progressed from thoughts and ideas to plans or further to a physical action.
They can also manifest in a number of different forms, most of which are not well understood. If you are already familiar with suicide notes, a likely source for this information is infamous for their ethics when it comes to mental health. In recent years, the news media have reported on copies of actual suicide notes. Reporting guidelines expressly forbid this to stop copycat suicides from happening. Acts of furtherance should be mindfully addressed. To date, I have experienced five.
Although I did not write a suicide note before my attempt, it was preceded by one and later followed by four acts of furtherance. Before I continue, I want to assure you that I will not share too much information. Only the root causes to provide context. Two months before my attempt, my father got upset with me over my lack of progress after college. Out of desperation, I committed an act of self-harm. It had no discernible effect, but it did constitute an elevated risk of suicide. Eleven years later, again my father got upset with my lack of progress. So I made a plan to end my life. Four years later, I was discriminated against by co-chairperson volunteers. I drove to a place where I could have attempted. I had no counseling yet. In 2021, I was falsely accused of misconduct. I had counseling, but suicide was not taken seriously. Last year, I was forcibly discharged by my care provider. Cumulative neglect led to a new relapse in November.
You may have just noticed how I referred to having relapsed. Allow me to explain what a relapse is and why I referred to acts of furtherance in this way. After a person attempts suicide, traditionally each new attempt is referred to as a relapse into suicide. It simply means that it has happened again. What you will only find here is why I consider all four acts of furtherance after my attempt to be relapses. I now take suicide more seriously in a way that most people may not yet realize is important.
Although I did not know what furtherance was before my attempt, I did afterwards. In particular, the two that occurred in 2018 and 2021 put me within walking distance of places where I could have attempted. Even though I did not act, the risk to my safety was too great to ignore. In 2021, my care provider knew I was a suicide survivor. Yet they neglected to safeguard my mental health. The goal should be to prevent suicide. Neglect allows it to happen.
I used to believe that once I attempted, it would never happen to me again. As you can see, I was wrong. I was in denial. What I first learned about suicide is very revealing. At first, suicide was considered a sin. Murder was sinful. Therefore, murdering oneself was also sinful. There was never any effort to address why it actually happened. Research stated that there was no one factor that caused suicide and no one should be blamed. Most people felt the exact same natural emotions I explained above: confusion, fear, and denial.
However, if you fear what you do not understand, this is referred to as stigma. If you overreact or spread fearful opinions about suicide, you will incite more stigma in others. If neglected, as it has been for centuries, you will be afraid instead of addressing why it happens. For example, since suicide is intimidating, would you report your attempt? I never did. This is one of the reasons why it is under-reported: fear.
If you follow the news, you have likely already seen or heard of the term murder-suicide. It has been used to describe homicide and suicide, which have been documented occurring close together. The reason why you remember it so clearly, in recent years, is because modern media outlets have increasingly sensationalized violence in the news. Murder-suicide is referenced in connection with mass casualty events. This associates non-violent suicide with rare but horrific incidents of mass violence. These instantly traumatize vast numbers of people. As rare as they are, all it takes is one.
Consider the 1999 Columbine High School massacre in Colorado. Each time you hear of a mass shooting, you think of violence. If you are fearful of suicide survivors, you are reacting to us being falsely portrayed in the news because you have been stigmatized to fear us. There is further proof that suicide should not be feared and you may already know it.
If you have known someone who has struggled a lot in life, you are likely to have heard of a commonly held belief. Those who suffer from depression are some of the kindest people. This is not a coincidence. Thousands, perhaps even millions of people, are witnessing a key link between depression and suicide. Depression is widely accepted to be a common factor that leads to suicide.
As an attempt survivor, I can explain why observing kindness is important. We will often suffer through depression that can be so demoralizing it weakens our mental health. Have you ever heard of anyone who is only “just getting by each day?” At the end of the day, we feel lucky to survive what we struggle with. Many of us are driven to help others because we want to stop anyone else from suffering as we have. This is why I write. Robin Williams made a career as a legendary comedian. He sought to make people laugh as his way to cope with his suffering.
You would think with the advent of modern psychology and psychiatry that suicide rates would be lower. There is a reason for this. After a loss, have you ever heard of anyone invested in preventing suicide making these remarks? “We did the best we could. You cannot prevent all suicides. They are responsible for their actions.” This is not the sympathetic attitude of someone who takes saving lives seriously.
On the other hand, I know what it is like to have no hope. My autism has been neglected for so long I have never had a normal life. The last thing I want is for anyone to suffer. Instead, I have been detail-oriented and objective because I want to save lives. See the difference? I draw the line at loss of life because it is precious. When they are gone, you lose someone who deserves to still be here. Suicide has been neglected by mental health experts for decades. How else is it still a leading cause of death? Just ask those who did know the truth.
Loss victims can further validate connections between suicide, non-violence, and neglect. Except that they are no longer here. This is true. But by being a suicide loss survivor, one who sat just out of arm’s reach from my former classmate, I can say that I knew him well enough to speak for what kind of person he actually was. He never bullied me. He was quiet and reserved. I never knew him to raise his voice to anyone. There were reasons why he took his life, such as depression. His parents were also getting a divorce. Out of shame and guilt, it is often said that suicide losses are the individual’s fault. In my experience, his suicide leads me to conclude that his mental health needs were neglected. If loss victims were still here, what would they have to say? We just wanted to have a happy life. We felt alienated from family and friends. We were bullied or abused. We just wanted to belong and be loved. Now you know the truth — from us.
Suicide is known to impact every major demographic and population center around the world. This is why I chose the image for this article. A best friend of mine, who is autistic as I am, is a Black ex-convict and former gang member. As my friend spent more time in prison, he struggled with suicide until finally attempting — more than once. Prison culture is ruthless both from fellow inmates and resentment towards them from everyone else. He never wanted to be there. I know because we have confided a lot about what we have both been through. I can see how his dark skin color has led to him being marginalized, thereby allowing for his mental health to be neglected. Having his autism neglected most likely led to his involvement in gang violence as well. Ever since, repeated mistreatment has reduced his quality of life. He deeply struggles to this day and he’s not alone. Suicide neglect also reaches as far as those we are expected to trust.
Remember how I said lived experience is vital to taking suicide prevention seriously? In late August 2021, I was falsely accused of misconduct by an employment services provider. My healthcare provider had a case management supervisor present. My autism was known. The fact that I was an attempt survivor was also known. And yet, the supervisor refused to safeguard my mental health so they could protect a contract agreement with the other provider. The authority for this came from executives who were responsible for thousands of lives. Actual suicide risk was ignored in favor of protecting business interests, and it nearly cost me my life. In 2023, my counselor was instructed to ask me two questions before my sessions. “Am I suicidal?” “Am I homicidal?” They also forcibly discharged me last year and nearly triggered a suicide attempt. These are not ethical practices of a healthcare organization that can be trusted with saving lives.
Now you can see why my objective knowledge is legitimate. I take both prevention and awareness seriously. When I was a program leader with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), I took specialized training for a presentation program called “In Our Own Voice.” The training instructs everyday people on how to effectively share their story about life with mental health needs with a variety of community members. Instructors for these trainings must all be experienced former presenters, some of whom are also certified mental health professionals. In my training, we were taught the best method of reducing the fear of mental health was through education. We were also empowered by this training to share our stories with anyone we may ever meet. So, as long as we are honest, we can prevent stigma because we are telling the truth about what this is like. Those who have no lived experience, even a PhD, will not be accurate.
From my professional mental health training, I know the best method to dispel harmful stigma is through education. Share your story. No matter who or where you may be, share your story. In doing so, you will be sharing the truth about your life. Not lies based on fear. Mental health stigma can be eliminated.
As an experienced mental health advocate, I have demonstrated the truth behind what suicide losses, attempts, ideations, and acts of furtherance are actually like to experience. I have explained why we are not a threat, why minorities are vulnerable, and why healthcare providers and at least some mental health professionals cannot be entrusted to prevent suicide. I know it is still an uncomfortable topic and a deeply tragic issue. You need not fear us. From someone who has lived through it to share my story, now you know the truth. You can see why suicide persists to this day and how to stop it. Suicide prevention can start here. With us.
If we do not talk about that which is fearful, nothing will change.
If you believe suicide cannot be prevented, it never will be.
