The following information contains lived experience with trauma and autism.
*Reader discretion is advised*
Nothing about my life felt the same after I survived my suicide attempt in July 2003. Nothing about my life felt the same after I finally understood autism in July 2022 — a full three years after my diagnosis. I can make this chilling yet truthful analogy now because I am no longer denying the trauma of my late diagnosis. At the time, I had no idea what effect simply understanding autism would have on my mental health.
What was once an unassuming existence before 2022 turned completely inside out. In every meaningful way imaginable, the perception of my life shifted in what could be described as a neurodivergent identity crisis. One that I was not prepared for despite my competency and what I knew about my mental health. Without denial clouding my judgment, this is what discovering the reality of being autistic was like.
Since early elementary school, I have been aware of an almost imperceptible difference in most of everything in my life. I made recipes that no one else liked. I often did not think before I spoke. My direct approach to dating never worked. My analytical thinking made me susceptible to suicide. I was too socially awkward to fit in. Thankfully, I was able to make some good friends. This unavoidable incompatibility always seemed to be there.
After I received my diagnosis, I started absorbing a lot of anecdotal information from many different autistic people. We compared our life experiences to discover and process what we had in common. As a result, I started finding a deeper sense of identity than I had with anyone before. Little did I know just how impactful this would be when I finished the first draft of my presentation in July 2022.
In one blinding moment, the weight of my entire life came crashing down on me. All of the years of so many unexplainable differences suddenly made sense. All of the similarities I found with quite a few autistic people made sense. All of the shared experiences proved their accuracy. Autism has been denied by the rest of society all this time. This is how employment works. Only kids are autistic. Autism was dismissed until it was too late.
Failed job interviews, bullying, social miscues, discrimination, suicide ideation, employment indecision, and more — all had affected my development and societal integration. Every ounce of depression and anxiety instantly resurfaced. Discovering I was not diagnosed soon enough was so overpowering that my mind actually went blank for 24 hours. All I remember was shutting down. I was horrified.
There was no going back. There was no undoing the damage from my inconsistent employment progress, lost interviews, or missed chances for meaningful companionship. To have a fulfilling life when it mattered most to me. To not be a social outcast when I am too honest for someone else’s insecurity. How the hell are we supposed to integrate into society? Nothing felt the same to me afterwards.
I felt the same way after my suicide attempt. Except that now, every day, I live in fear because of what can happen. But not about repeating mistakes. They were never mistakes. I was forced to conform to a society that did not accept having a legitimately different neurotype. I could have had a normal life if autism had been accepted. Now, it may be too late! Expecting me to move on denies the truth of trauma and autistic life.
As a suicide attempt survivor, I know that denial of trauma is a serious issue. Without being in denial of my late diagnosis, I can admit that it was traumatic enough to cause an identity crisis, suicide, depression, and anxiety. The psychological scars may never heal. Reliving the trauma in order to write this article was so intense that I broke down and cried several times. Thankfully, a friend was able to console me.
However, my identity crisis exposed a consistent conflict between people who are autistic and those who are not. If I follow the logic, I must admit that I have not just been in denial about the fallout from these conflicts in my life. The denial of autism itself is responsible for keeping me from integrating into society. To correct it, acceptance must be taken seriously. And there are autistic people worldwide who need this, too.
Buckle your seat belts because there will be no denial holding me back this time…
#EndAutismDenial
